Some days, I’m not sure if having such an active mind is a blessing or a curse. As with many women, it’s not uncommon for me to be doing one thing and thinking at least 3 other thoughts at the same time. The real difference is – my mind is constantly running a marathon – I’m 3 or 4 thoughts deep before the first thought has finished running. But they keep on running. Always running. My mind is constantly running, and it’s always exhausting, and today was no different.
I’m sure, like millions of people around the world, we’re glued to our electronic devices. Not for the latest sports fumble, or the next meme, but for church. Church is what brought us all to our screens today.
And that’s not a bad thing.
This morning, I not only listened to a message on looking at your heart from here at my home church but was also able to watch our former pastor preach on the fairness of everything going on in this world. And I got to do so some quilling in the process.
My heart was broken and challenged at the same time.
I missed so much being on stage singing with the praise team, but I loved seeing our former pastor’s wife being able to worship with us from Oklahoma. My mind was instantly taken back to the Sunday mornings of being on stage and seeing them in the front row with their arms raised during worship. I miss them so.
Yet, as always, my mind is always setting a real-life example in my head as the words from the bridge of “What a Beautiful Name” resonated in my head.
Never before in my lifetime has it been such a prominent headline. Nearly the entire world is currently shutting down to try to stop it.
But it can’t. Nothing can. 100% of people living are going to die.
But do we need to be in fear?
I’m not going to lie; I’ve had my share of fear. I’m not so sure it’s really a “fear of death” as it is the pain associated with no longer being able to live with the ones I love. And I’m sure my pregnancy hormones are playing a stronger part in this currently.
As the song went on, I recalled a few weeks ago when I was crying myself to sleep (long before this virus was spreading as it is now), and questioned if I should write a letter to my son, to tell him everything I would want him to know, and give it to my husband to give him when he’s older, “in case I didn’t make it.”
For the record, I’m currently 6 months into a high-risk pregnancy and am planning on a scheduled C-section on the due date, unless baby girl decides to come early. And as with the birth of my son, I’ve told my husband if he has to make the decision between the baby or me, choose the baby.
But now that this virus is here – who knows?
As I thought of that letter – what would I even say? I would tell him that I will always love him. That I always want him to do his best. To never let his compassionate and caring heart die. To love fiercely and actively. To never give up.
Even now, as I write this, I continue to wipe away tears. It’s just too painful to think about. But then I also question myself – is this letter really necessary? How likely is it for me to die in childbirth this time? Or is this just going into the realm of being over-prepared, always thinking of the worst-case scenario?
I would tell him “to always follow God, so I can see you when you get here.” And that is my selfish mother-heart always wanting to be by my child’s side.
Through the message of Pastor Ray to watch what’s going on in your heart, and the message of Pastor Ryan, confirming that life isn’t fair, yet, we still have to remain “prisoners of hope.”
Even though this could be our end, we still have to have hope. We have to know that we have done what we were on this earth to do, and when God is ready, He will call us home. And oh, what a wonderful place we have to go to! A place where we no longer have to live in fear of being coughed or sneezed on. A place where we’re no longer pulling out our hair at the craziness of our children. A place where we can be finally free.
So continue on to be a prisoner of hope. As the saying goes, “Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.”